These songs were written during the 9th annual Lamb's Retreat for Songwriters, Nov 7-9, 2003.
John D. Lamb assigned each attendee a song for their character in the neighborhood of Forest Hills.
Below are the song titles and their authors followed by the original song assignment.
Click on the song title to see what was written during that weekend.
Life In Forest Hills by Dick Siegel Assignment: You will write
a sort of Greek chorus for the neighborhood opera. See yourself as
the narrator who takes a sunny viewpoint of the wonderful hum of life and
living that goes on each and every day on this street. Your song could
actually open the opera or play through the opening credits of the movie
version.
Milkman Blues by Kathryn Nugent Assignment: Early in the morning
on Mondays and Thursdays, the milkman brings you milk and juice. You’ve
never seen him. No matter how early you get up, he’s already come and
gone. He’s been your milkman for years and you haven’t a clue what
he looks like. How do you picture him? Do you wonder if he is
curious to know you or any of his customers? Do you worry he is lonely?
What Is It? by Ken Bierscbach Assignment: You are a musician who gets in late most nights, especially on the weekend.
Your next door neighbor is building something in his back yard. Even on the
weekends, you are awake before your ready to the sound of a circular saw
and a hammer pounding nails. You keep asking yourself, “What is he building
back there?” Speculate on the curious structure and on what your neighbor
intends to do with it when, if ever, it is completed. Suzy's Back by Annie and Rod Capps Assignment:
Your husband has mention-itis. He keeps mentioning a certain so-and-so in
the most innocuous ways. “I saw so-and-so in her car at a red light today.”
“So-and-so sings that song by such-and-such.” “Didn’t you and so-and-so
used to hang with them?” For some not wholly inexplicable reason you just
want to say, “If you mention so-and-so’s name just one more time, I’m gonna….”
We want to know what you’re gonna.
My Children's Advocate by Evie Boss Assignment:
Imagine that you have 6 children and that you home school them. A curious
neighbor, who sends her kid to the public school, the one located a block
away, a school that she believes is good enough for her children, is pressing
you for an explanation on why you’ve taken on such a task. Take her to task.
Home Schoolin’ Shuffle by Roger Blair Assignment:
Your wife stays home while you work. She cooks and cleans house and home
schools the kids. You’re beginning to suspect that they aren’t learning
at the level they should be. What gives you cause to come to this conclusion?
How do you bring this up to her without hurting her feelings?
Where Did You Learn to Cook? by Kirby Snively Assignment: Use this line:
Honey, when did you learn to cook? One verse can take place in the
kitchen. One verse can take place on the bandstand as she impresses
you with her improvisational mandolin breaks. And another can take
place either on the dance floor or in the bedroom, or both.
Mr. Expert by Alan D. Taylor Assignment:
A buddy of yours is Mr. Expert on every subject. Whether its sports, movies,
music or home improvement, he’s always chiming in with his opinions and his
way of doing things. You’ve humored him for the longest time. On this day,
you’ve had a couple of drinks and it’s time you gave him what for.
Opposites Never Attract by Ellen Bukstel Assignment: Your character
says, “Do I miss you? Not a bit. Do I think of you? Never.”
Everything you say in your song is a lie. Be strong and consistent.
Don’t let on about your true feelings. If you do, you are a goner.
People Who Live in Glass Houses by Kathy Wieland Assignment: Your best friend,
who is married, is having an affair with a married man. She won’t tell
you who it is. In the past few months, you’ve noticed that she is either
very happy or extremely miserable. Her mood swings can mostly be attributed
to the tenuous relationship she has with her lover. Be her friend.
Be a good listener. Don’t give her advice or judge her. Show
a genuine curiosity about her adventurous double life. In the end, do we
all begin to realize that you also know this man very well?
Extra Lucky Stars by Dan Hazlett Assignment:
You are meditating on the woman in Falling Splendor. She is so sad in autumn.
She really needs to get over it. It seems so simplistic to be sad just because
the leaves are falling. Why not winter? After all, in winter you’ve got
to deal with below freezing temperatures and cars that won’t start. You
want to talk to her. You want to say, “Look lady, things are gonna be fine.
Now give me a smile. When I say, ‘Nice day, M,am,’ you just say, “It sure
is.”
Can't Get You Out of My Mind by Cheryl Anderson Assignment: The harder I
try to get you off my mind, the harder it gets to keep you off my mind.
I’m trying as hard as I can to forget you but I guess I’m not trying hard
enough to forget you because the harder I try to get you off my mind the
harder it gets to keep you off my mind, my mind, my mind.
Love Marie by Michelle Chenard Assignment:
You need to tell him this: Stay away from me. You’ve ruined my life. Because
of you, we’re all crazy. I’ve neglected my friends and now I have none.
I don’t know what to eat anymore after all this time with you feeding me
and taking care of me and being so good to me. Stay away from me. You’ve
ruined my life. I love you.
You Won't Get This At Home by Dave Boutette Assignment:
You like to eat lunch with a certain someone. You like it because she loves
to eat all of the things that you like to eat. You like garlic-stuffed olives
and stinky cheeses. She loves that stuff. You like anchovies on your Caesar
salad. She piles them on. Nobody in your home likes these foods. All of
your groceries would rot in the fridge if it wasn’t for these wonderful afternoon
lunches with this special someone who loves to eat lunch like you like to
eat lunch.
That Waning Moon by Clint Lavens Assignment: Every time you
see this moon, the waning upside down half moon, every time you see that
moon, you swear to yourself. The swear word that you use is a bad one.
The memory that this moon conjures up is a good one. The girl that
is in this memory has been out of your life for some time now. Nevertheless,
every time you see this waning moon, you swear like the devil.
Day Job by Clint Lavens, Brian Shea & Paul Thomas Assignment:
You’re beginning to feel that it might be wise to get a day job. Not because
you need the money but because, in your neighborhood, it’s the right thing
to do. It just isn’t natural for a man to be home during the day. There’s
nothing but mom’s pushing baby strollers and taking their kids to the park.
There’s nothing but women congregating and talking in groups. You feel like
if you were to walk out on the sidewalk they might call the cops on you for
just being a guy without a kid or a dog. You’ve got to get a day job before
you go stir crazy.
You Don't Need to See No Plastic Sturgeon by Bob Fawcett Assignment: You tell your
wife, “Honey, you don’t need a plastic sturgeon. You don’t need to
get ecology injections. And you don’t need to get on the Chet Atkins
diet as long as you’ve got me.” What does she say?
The First Time By Adair Correll Assignment: Sometimes, when
out for a walk with your wife, you both hold hands. After strolling
that way for a few yards, your inclination has been to let go of her hand
so that you can get a good and even arm swing with your walking form.
She understands this and doesn’t get all bent out of shape because you’re
not exactly being lovey-dovey. Sometimes, you just want to get some
exercise, maybe digest a large dinner. Some part of you, though, suspects
that you may be just a little embarrassed to walk hand in hand with your
wife because people will think that the two of you are acting like young
lovers. You’ve been living here for years and rarely do you see other
couples holding hands. Usually, the only thing their holding is a dog
leash in one hand and a plastic doggie-doo bag in the other. Another
part of you is concerned that by holding hands in public, the two of you
are somehow flaunting a still burning sensuality more suitable to young folks
or gay couples. And you also fear that some neighbors may view you
with envy, which could turn into resentment and bad vibes. One of these
days, though, you’re gonna let go of all this stressful baggage and just
grab hold of her hand and hang on for the whole damn walk. What do
you think about that?
The Wall by Rachel Alexander Assignment:
The couple living next door to you is husband and wife. They bike and run
together every day after coming home from work. They always wave but rarely
do you all get into a real conversation. You don’t really know them but you’ve
got a pretty good idea what their daily life must be like. Describe it to
us as you believe it to be so.
Forest Hills Elementary by Laura Hood Assignment:
You write a letter to the school newspaper. The letter seems to start out
as a gushing fountain of compliments to all of the staff for their fine work
in features, reporting and editorials. When your letter goes on to single
out each staff writer, it’s clear that you’ve taken on a sarcastic tone and
that you mean to highlight and ridicule every inaccuracy published in this
rag. By letter’s end, you should be in full vitriolic fervor.
The Lunch by Thea Ennen Assignment: You often have
lunch with a man who feeds you garlic stuffed olives and stinky cheeses.
You enjoy his company and the conversation but you don’t necessarily like
the food. He even has the nerve to offer anchovies for your salad.
You act like you really enjoy eating this stuff but inside your gagging.
Why don’t you just tell him to throw out that gourmet crap and make you a
peanut butter and jelly sandwich?
Longevity by Chris McCall Assignment:
A man says to you, “We could be together if we outlive them all.” At first
you laugh him off. As time goes by, though, you begin to think about your
longevity in relation to those around you. You watch your diet more closely.
You look for signs of aging in others, comparing their accumulation of wrinkles
to the rather paltry few that you own. This obnoxious man, who so brazenly
suggested this “outlive them all” plan, has really frustrated you. You don’t
want to give him the idea that you’re taking good care of yourself just so
you two could be together in your golden years. Or do you?
I Wish My Love by AnnMarie Rowland Assignment: Each afternoon,
you and your husband sit on the porch and watch the neighborhood. Among
all the dog walkers, joggers and stroller bearers, there always appears this
middle aged couple walking hand in hand, never letting go of each other’s
hand. What do you think of when you see them?
What's That Sound I Hear? by Will Rowland Assignment:
You have your own point of view about that hand-holding couple, one that
if shared with your wife, she might just cry and call you a man wholly without
compassion. Be careful.
Leo On A Leash by Jim Bertin Assignment:
You are taking your dog for a walk. You are talking to the dog. You
point out the house with six kids and you ask the dog to weigh in on his
opinion of home schooling. Then that damn hand-holding couple walks
by and you ask your leashed dog what he thinks about that. Another
couple runs by in their lycra jogging outfits; what do you think about that,
dog? Is the dog humane or inane?
Your Traveling Salesmanby J. Oscar Bittinger Assignment: You are the only
door to door salesman this neighborhood has seen in years. What you
sell is up to you. Tell us about the range of befuddled faces that
answer their front door only to see you there with your wares. Some
homeowners nearly reel back in horror. Kids look on in amazement as
their parents shut you down before you can get your pitch out. What
is your thick-skinned salesman’s mind thinking about this neighborhood?
Otherwordly Salesman Blues by Lauran Bittinger Assignment: There’s a knock
at your front door. You open it and find a door to door salesman.
He has a good smile and a nice looking leather bag with what looks to be
cleaning products. He is about to launch into his pitch when your husband
yells from the kitchen table, “We don’t want any.” The salesman gives
you what seems to be a knowing and pitying smile. He excuses himself
and walks on down the street. After you close the door, what do you
say to your husband?
Where’s Your Car? by Jim Bizer Assignment:
The neighbor lady across the street, whom you’ve only spoken to with a passing
“hello” and “nice day”, has walked over to talk with you while you were out
in the yard today. She wondered where you were last night. She didn’t see
your car parked in its usual spot. It concerned her so much that she could
barely sleep. You are taken aback but feel that you must assure her that
your car was in the shop overnight, that it is now fixed and that she can
rest easy because you promise to park your car in that spot, the one she
can view from her upstairs bedroom window, tonight and every night from here
on. She seems to believe you, thanks you, and then crosses the street back
to her home. You scratch your head and write a song for her.
In My Eyes by Darrel Schwandt Assignment: Your son is about
to go on his first date. They’re just going to go and hang out downtown.
There are a few things you’d like to say to him but you just can’t put it
into words. After he leaves, it all comes to you, what you want to
say, what you need to tell him. But he’s already gone. So you
tell us.
The Tide by Bill Brown Assignment: On Tuesday nights
you go to the movies with your buddy. Each week you take turns picking
what you’re going to see. Sometimes the pickings are slim and your
only alternative is to see a chick flick. Neither one of you wants
to admit that you really do have an interest in sitting through a movie that
seems more appropriate for date night with the wife. So, you joke about
it and make fun of it and say what the heck and you buy your tickets and
go in. You take your time in the popcorn line and talk about the action
flick that’s coming soon. You and your buddy wait until you’re sure
the theater is dark and the two of you go in and take your seats. The
movie is actually pretty engrossing and near the end there’s a touching scene
that makes you cry. You look over at your friend and he’s crying, too.
And you both wipe your eyes. As you leave the movie theater, how does
your conversation start?
It Would Kill Me by Ben Hassenger Assignment:
Your character says, “I miss you terribly. I think of you all of the time.
Honey, there is no one but you.” None of this true. You must be strong,
though, and consistent. Don’t waver from that line. If you do, you are
a goner.
My Movie by Rick Shelley Assignment: You and your buddy
go to the movies every week. It seems like no matter what you watch,
you are always putting yourself in the protagonist’s role. As for the
female love interest, no matter which actress portrays her, she always makes
you think of the woman that you are in love with but cannot ever be with.
This is why you get so emotional. This is also why you go to the movies
with a man. If you can’t be with her, no other woman will do.
If you could talk to her, tell her about all of the movies she must see that
make you think of her.
In Your Corner by Jan Krist Assignment: Someone very close
to you has been in need of some extra care after a surgical operation.
You’ve been there for him and, although it’s been taxing, you derived actual
pleasure from being needed. Your hope is that help will be reciprocated
many years from now when you may be in need of assistance.
Write about all the ways you look forward to taking turns helping each other.
The Smoking Man by Ralston Bowles Assignment:
Pretend that you love to smoke cigarettes. Your wife won’t let you
smoke in the house. You love to smoke cigarettes more than hanging
out in the house with your wife. This is the reason everyone sees you
walking the neighborhood, up and down all the streets, hours per day.
And always you have a cigarette discreetly cupped into your swinging right
hand. You’ve logged thousands of miles this way. Your walk is
a thing of beauty. It has developed into the most natural stride.
You are amazingly fit. This glow of health might not be yours if it
hadn’t been for your love of cigarettes. Or maybe, it’s more about
your dread of growing old while confined with someone who nags. Maybe
you don’t really like smoking but it gives you a good reason for taking a
walk.
The Fencepost Overhearsby Cosy Sheridan Assignment: You and your next
door neighbor are gossiping over the fence about the goings on in the neighborhood.
There is much speculation about which couples are getting along and which
couples seem to be having a terrible time of things. Your assumptions
are based on the state of their lawn and landscaping, or simply on the cleanliness
of their automobiles. Maybe someone has a muffler needs fixing or they
drive recklessly around the neighborhood, always rolling through the stop
signs. Any little grievance or scandal you can concoct is fair game.
How catty can you be?
Old Miss Hagley by David Roth Assignment:
You used to live in these parts but that was years ago. One day, you are
taking a drive and checking out the house you lived in when you were just
growing up. Tell us about the terrible devil’s night prank you pulled on
the widow in the scary looking house. Have you been feeling guilty about
it? Does she or her daughter still live in that house? Do you drive over
there and fess up to your past misdeed?
Sixty-Three Miles Per Hour in the Thirty Zone by Sloan Wainwright Assignment: It’s a slow day
at work and you decide to go home and surprise your stay-at-home husband
for lunch. You arrive to find that your husband is already enjoying
a sumptuous meal with the neighbor from down the street. This causes
you to raise an eyebrow but you play it cool while they scramble to make
room for you at the table and serve you some of what they’re eating.
Tell us what thoughts are going through your head during this meal.
Let us in on how the conversation pans out between the three of you. Forest Hills Outro by Chuck Brodsky Assignment:
You take the dim view of the neighborhood. You insist on pointing out all
that is pathetic about the characters involved. The more wholesome someone
or something seems, the more you cut it down. Your curmudgeonly cynicism
is so exaggerated that your song is the one played in the movie version during
the outtakes after the closing credits roll. Beautiful Garbage Guy by John D. Lamb Assignment: Sloan Wainwright
assigned this song to John: Your real name is Anthony but you are known
in the neighborhood as "the garbage man." You collect stuff and make
it into presents for the kids. Dick Siegel added that John must use the word"Beautiful" at least six times.
Life in Forest Hills
By Dick Siegel
you recognize me just a little bit
I walk around the town the village idiot
and I say today that it’s okay
to say hooray for life in Forest Hills
loving laughing crying fighting
living large and small then dying
trying for the time your living
to be hateful or forgiving
No one has ever seen his face
At least no one I know, living on this street
Don’t know a reason this would be
He is our milkman; and he stops here twice a week
I wonder what he thinks of me
Or all the people; he tries hard not to meet
Am I just two milks; and one cream?
A faceless name; living on a faceless street.
I’ve been; trying to meet him but he’s
here before the rooster crows
here and gone before I know
Oh when will we ever meet?
And will we ever speak
Of all the people in this place
I find it very strange; we never see his face
My husband asks me why I care
Then shrugs and heads back; to his TV and his chair
I’ve been; trying to see him but he’s
Here before the break of dawn
Here and just as quickly gone
What is he feeling inside
And what’s he try’n to hide
There has been some talk in this town
I don’t like gossip; but stories get around
Yes I’ve got better things to do, thank you
Like buying Heinikins for a boring three piece suit.
I’ve been; trying to see him but
No I haven’t seen him yet his
Van is quicker than a vet
He is a curiosity; milkman of mystery
What’s in his past; is he afraid
Maybe I could help him out and; we could run away
Then I could dump this stuffy suit
That’s sitting in his chair; glued to the headline news.
He could watch us and; see us on the justice files
a reenactment of our lives
what would he think if he knew
You know the guy next door's got a secret on his lawn
Like the milkman and that lady I know something' going on
There's a couple on the sidewalk who are always holding hands
While my neighbor's makin' noises that I just don't understand
What is it? - What is it?
I can think of nothing else, my mind is in a fog
I wish he'd get another hobby maybe talking to his dog
I know that I should understand viva le difference
But I really want to know what's going on behind that fence
What is it? - What is it?
Is it round is it square why the hell do I care?
There's a rumor going round that it started underground
Is it short is it long you know I've been awake too long
It's time for surveillance; I’m running out of patience
What is it? - What is it?
My curiosity is peaked, how am I supposed to get some sleep
What is it?
Out on the street there's a man who's always walkin' round
Hidin' cigarettes inside his palm and talking really loud
And the garbage man he’s makin’ little treasures out of trash
Hey maybe it's a gallery where he can make some cash
Chorus
I gotta know - What is it?
I'm gonna blow - What is it?
Oh no - What is it?
Everybody's got a past and mine is coming back to haunt me
I had a brief encounter with my old roommate from college
it was long ago and far away and i did things I would never do today
but now it seems my past is here to stay cause
Every time I turn around I hear my true love speak her name
Every time I turn around he says "Suzy's Back in Town"
I might have made a big mistake by sharing too much of those days
cause now she's back in town and he's got a case of "mentionitis"
He wants to reenact the crime but that was me, in another time
but he's got this little fantasy wants to try to reunite us
Every time I turn around I hear my true love speak her name
Every time I turn around he says "Suzy's Back in Town"
Well its Suzy this and Suzy that
it seems that's where his mind is at
and it's Suzy Suzy all the time
and I'm about to loose my mind
If i told him once I told him twice, I won't go down that road again
but i just can't seem to get it through his big thick head
well this is it, it's the last straw
I'm gonna end this thing once and for all
it's clear he's got a once track mind
and I'll have to reenact the crime
Cause I give up, I give in,
i better get this whole thing over with
i don't know what else to do
and maybe secretly i want this too
and every time I turn around I hear my true love speak her name
Every time I turn around he says "Suzy's Back in Town"
Suzy's back in town
Suzy's back in town
Suzy's back
I started out sending my kids to school, just the same as you. But when I
was told of learning difficulties... what was I to do? My first born's a
genius, naturally curious, was excited to go to learn. Soon his stomach was
hurtin' and I was certain his attitude had turned.
I am my children's advocate, doing what I believe,
Focused on what's best for them, the role for me.
Then there's my daughter having trouble in her geometry class. I went to
her teacher to seek advice, how to help her pass. I asked how to encourage
a struggling child who really doesn't understand? He replied: "I don't have
time to motivate, I just teacher here, mam".
I am my children's advocate... one size does not fit all!
Would you make your child walk in shoes that are too small?
So as a good mother, I talked with the counselors, even the principal too.
When they suggested Ritalin prescriptions... I said: "That's it, we're through!"
"You'll not drug my children, start chemical addictions, there's nothing
wrong with them! Take it from me, its easy to see, the fault is in your system!"
I am my children's advocate... home school I now run,
Actively involved in their education.
My children don't deal with hallway bullies waiting to attack, Nor thugs
hanging out in dirty bathrooms dealing dope and crack. I use no numbing,
dumbing plan to keep them in a mold, I encourage questioning, discovery,
and probing, urging them to be bold.
I am my children's advocate... their schools I can not fix,
So I will do my best to educate my six.
So my house may look messy, my children lazy, as if I'm running a zoo. But
when was the last time you actually checked out what's going on in schools?
My children are happy, actively engaged in their choice of studies too, With
healthy bodies, minds, and spirits so why does this bug you?
I am my children's advocate and if I must step on toes,
I'll do whatever it takes to break old status quos....so now you know!
We’re tryin’ to save money, doing the home schoolin’ thing
My wife said she’d teach ‘em how to read and write and sing
While I work at the mill, to try and bring the bacon home.
Readin’ and-a writin’ and arithmeticin’
My honey promised me that she was strictly stickin’
To the state-approved schedule that the big red book laid out
It worked pretty well for the first few years
I’d work my ten hours, stop off for a beer
When I’d walk in the door, the kids would show me all they’d learned
But then as time went by, I became confused
The books and the pencils, they never got used
It felt like the kids’ education was takin’ a dive
Now honey, sweetie, darlin’ I don’t mean to be complainin’
But I could benefit from just a little explainin’
Why do the kids still struggle with two plus two?
If there’s something wrong darlin, you need to be confessin’
All our friends and family, they have the same question
I mean, Suzy’s seventeen and our boy is big enough to pull a plow.
So help me understand if there’s something here I’m missin’
I could be wrong, and maybe I’m just guessin’
But it seems like your heart’s on leave and your mind’s on dwell.
I’ll tell you what darlin’, I’ll make you a deal
Borrow my hard hat and you go make the steel
I can get this learnin’ locomotive back on track
But right before you go, please do one thing for me
Give me the paddle and the restroom key
And show me, please show me how to ring that recess bell
Cause I’m certain as I sit here and knowin’ who I am
That late every morning around nine or ten
I’m gonna need a beer and I’m gonna need to rest me a spell
And later in the morning while the kids are out to play
I’ll grab my old git-ar, maybe I can find a way
To capo like Cosy, and break that big E string
Gonna capo like Cosy, and break that big E string.
VERSE 1: THE EARLY BIRDS GET THE EARLY BIRD SPECIAL
AT THE FOREST HILLS BUFFET
AND THE SQUEEKY WHEELS COP A GREASY MACBURGER
THEN DRIVE ON THEIR WAY
BUT I LIKE GOOD HOME COOKIN’
LIKE MAMA USED TO DO
NO MICRO-WAVEY
GIVE ME BISCUITS AND GRAVY
ON A HOT POTATO STEW
CHORUS 1: OUT IN THE KITCHEN SMELLS ARE DRIFTIN’
THROUGH THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD
OOO BABY - WHERE
DID YOU LEARN TO COOK SO GOOD
VERSE 2: LATELY SHE’S BEEN SLIPPIN’ OUT
TO A WHOLE LOTTA MARY KAY PARTIES
TUPPERWARE - YOGA CLASS
OR MONTHLY BOOKCLUB SWAREES
CURIOSITY GOT THE BEST O’ ME
SO I FOLLOWED HER OUT ONE NIGHT
SHE WAS UP
ON STAGE AT THE BROKEN SPOKE
ON FIRE UP IN THE SPOTLIGHT
CHORUS 2: NEVER TOLD ME SHE WAS A PICKER
LET ALONE A NASHVILLE CAT
AND ALL I COULD
SAY AS SHE STEPPED OFF STAGE IS
OOO BABY - WHERE
DID YOU LEARN TO COOK LIKE THAT
BRIDGE: SHE’S COOKIN’ UP A SECRET
NOW I’M DOWN ON BENDED KNEE
BEGGIN’ PLEASE PLEASE
HONEY WON’T YOU COOK FOR ME
BREAK: -----------------------------
VERSE 3: THIS GOT ME THINKIN’ WHAT ELSE DON’T I KNOW
I’M SO PERPLEXED
WHAT OTHER MYSTERIOUS TALENT
WILL SHE REVEAL TO ME NEXT
SHE TOUCHED HER FINGER TO HER LIPS
AND SAID SHHH YOU JUST LIE STILL
THEN SHE DID
SOME THINGS I CAN’T MENTION HERE
DON’T GUESS I EVER WILL
CHORUS 3: SOME THINGS ARE BEST KEPT BEHIND BEDROOM DOORS
WHERE NO ONE ELSE CAN LOOK
AND ALL I CAN SAY ABOUT HER NOW IS
OOO BABY - SHE SURE KNOWS HOW TO COOK
Thanks for dropping in, Bill, although I'm nearly done
With the painting and the carpet and the blinds.
You feel it's your duty to point out every flaw
In my workmanship and defects of design.
You know how much I value your opinion.
Your words are worth their weight in gold to me.
You only interrupt me when my line of reason strays
From the line of reason you so clearly see.
You've proven that you know more than network commentators
Who quote the stats and trivia on TV.
Films produced and songs composed would have come out better
If they had your creative expertise.
Do you know how much I value your opinion?
Using words alone I cannot express.
You only interrupt me when you have something to say
Or if there's someone near you feel you must impress.
I had my shot to make a positive impression
With the lady of my dreams here at the dance.
I was well on my way to winning when your untimely intercession
Managed to mess up my only chance.
I was hoping that this woman would someday be my wife.
You've shaken me so much I popped my cork!
Through your insults and your arrogance you've screwed up my life.
You're a loser. You're a bastard*. You're a dork!
You know how much I value your opinion?
It's worth as much as day old doggy doo!
So shut up! I'll have no more of your expert interruptions.
I've had enough! I'm up to here with you!
Hey Mr. Expert, Mr. Know-it-all,
What makes me feel renewed?
To say, "Shut up! I've had enough of you!"
*For a more conservative audience, scum-bag may be substituted for bastard.
We moved in together .....although I had some doubt
But decided anyway that we would try it out
I soon began to see that alone and single handed
You would start to piss me off before the first day ended
When you took your clothes off ...you left them on the floor
I put my clothes neatly ...folded in the drawer
Little did I know that it would be full time job
To follow you around cleaning up.....what a slob!!
You went in the kitchen to prepare us a meal
I stayed in another room “the mess was unreal”
After I confessed...that I would never cook
You left the dirty pots and pans for me ......the schnook
So you ask me “Do I love you”.....Here’s the truth... Is it a fact?
Are we both just opposites .....That never will attract?
When you watch the Rangers ...play hockey on TV
Lifetime channel movies ...they’re just right for me
The Yankees are your favorite team...boy they really sucked When they
played my favorite team the Marlins...... they got fried!
When you started to unpack...It was really tough
All my things were put away...there was no room for your stuff You said
I could not throw anything of yours away But your pornographic
magazines, books and tape collection that filled up two
huge suitcases that you have been collecting since 1962 you said I could sell them.. .on e-bay
So you ask me “Do I love you”.....Here’s the truth... Is it a fact?
Are we both just opposites .....That never will attract?
When I say black...you say white....Well I guess...that’s all right
You’re a saver...I’m a spender ..It all works out in the ender I like
veggies..You like meat ..you like salty...I like sweet I have
treasures...You have trash...we could sell ...yours for cash You’re a
slob...I’m a schnook.... Thank the lord you like to cook Your computer
is a PC....my computer is a Mac ..If Opposites do attract......For you
and me it must be an aph....rodisiac?
So you ask me “Do I love you”.....Here’s the truth... Is it a fact?
Are we both just opposites .....That never will attract?
When the day was over ... and finally went to bed
With love in my heart I turned to you and said
In spite of all our differences... a special love was born
So don’t forget the batteries.......I kept the porn
So you ask me “Do I love you”.....Here’s the truth... Is it a fact?
Are we both just opposites .....That never will attract? ... will
attract... will attract.. will attract... will attract ...And that‘s
the truth th th tht h
Sometimes a person gets tired of feeling alone,
And sometimes a woman who's being neglected will jump on a man like a dog on a bone.
Chorus
Ooh Ooh, Ooh Ooh, People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones
I have a friend who has taken a lover you see,
And 'though she is wedded, this stranger she's bedded has stolen her heart and he's swallowed the key.
Chorus
Sometimes we talk and she tells me he's driving her mad.
Then sometimes we talk and she says did she mention, she's having the best sex that she ever had!
Chorus
Bridge
Am I jealous? I suppose, but I'm not gonna grouse.
Cuz while she's bangin' Mr. X, I'm hangin' with her spouse.
Friendship and menship are things that don't always agree,
And crime doesn't pay, someone told me today, that oink that she's boinking is married to me.
Ooh Ooh, Ooh Ooh, People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
Ooh Ooh, Ooh Ooh, People who live in Forest Hills, should close their curtains.
The leaves come flutter down,
fall season’s party gown.
Yeah, it’s a sad old town,
but still it’s safe and slow.
One run down movie show,
what’s with that awful frown?
What’s not to love, what’s not to love?
I know that guy talking to his dog
seems a little bit odd.
That door to door salesman is really a pest
and the preacher acts like he thinks he’s God.
This town could use a bar,
few less fancy cars,
couple extra lucky stars,
but we’ve got nice shade trees.
Just smell that Autumn breeze,
just look how sad you are.
What’s not to love, what’s not to love?
And oh, look at that middle-aged couple over there
they seem so sweet holding hands.
If we play our cards right that just might be us,
in a decade or two, sporting our wedding bands.
Oh, I’ve enjoyed our chat,
why try to start a spat?
Little late for that.
Please don’t you run and hide.
You’ll make a charming bride,
I’ll wear my old top hat.
What’s not to love, what’s not to love?
Let’s go out for a walk,
we won’t even have to talk.
What’s not to love, what’s not to love, what’s not to love?
Don't you have somewhere to go?
Someplace that you'd rather be?
Than sitting here deep in my heart, & my mind
I try so hard to make you go
to forget all the you that I know
but somehow you're always right here, in my mind
Ch: You're stuck in my mind & I can't seem to find
anyway to get you out
the harder I try, the more that I find
I can't get you out of my mind
Sometimes I get you to leave
if just for a minute or two
but I just can't seem to keep, you out of my mind
I changed the lock on the door
but found you asleep on the floor
whatever it is, you won't leave, my mind
Chorus
Bridge
I can't get you out of my mind
It might take a little more time
be patient with me & soon you'll see,
there's nothing left behind, in my mind
You've made us all crazy
You make my skin crawl
I guess I was lazy
by letting you do it all
I thought it romantic
I just thought you were true
But now I confess, you've made me a mess
and I was a fool
So I'm taking the kids and the dog
My prince turned out to be just a frog
No more of your gourmet meals
It's mac & cheese from now on
I've packed up my life
refer to me now as your soon to be ex-wife
I hate you, hugs and kisses,
Love, Marie
By the time that you read this
I will be miles away
and don't try to find me
Forest Hills is where you should stay
I hope my friends will forgive me
I hope they can see
I've got my spine back now that you have been sacked
Oh, it's great to be free!
So I'm taking the kids and the dog
my prince turned out to be just a frog
no more of your gourmet meals
it's mac & cheese from now on
I've packed up my life
refer to me now as your soon to be ex-wife
I hate you, hugs & kisses,
Love, Marie
Yeah, me and the kids and the dog
Feel like we emerged from a 7 year fog
I hate you, hugs & kisses,
I'm no longer your little Mrs.
Get the message? Kiss off,
Love, Marie
That old waning moon, really drives me crazy
That old waning moon, stays in my mind
There was a time, and there was a someone
There was a place, where we did what we done
That moon was up there, and we were down here
A chance encountered, was much more than I fear
She was so young, and I wasn’t much older
The young and the restless, we couldn’t have been bolder
At Forest Hills Park, way past dark
It was just one kiss, which led to all this
That old waning moon, really drives me crazy
That old waning moon, stays in my mind
There wasn’t much talk, although a lot was spoken
We felt the chill of the night, as the code was broken
She led me on, just like a horse to drink
that old waning moon, who had time to think?
She won’t even see me, even in plain sight
I wish I could rewind, and play back that night
Because the passion got mad, and just a little rough
I may have gone too far, when she said enough is enough
That old waning moon, slippin’ out of sight
That old waning moon, slippin’ out of sight
That old waning moon, slippin’ out of sight
That old waning moon, and one hell’uva night
It was one hell’uva night
You Don't Need to See No Plastic Sturgeon
By Bob Fawcett
Darlin you been reading too much Cosmo
Throw it in the woodstove over here
It fills your head with crazy fashion nonsense
Now let me make one thing completely clear
You don’t need to get no light pole suction
Removing fat cells from some private place
Depoultry treatments for your little moustache
Or ecology injections in yer face
Chorus:
You don’t need to see no plastic sturgeon
You don’t need to get no tummy suck
Be satisfies with who you are my darlin’
With you and me and our old pickup truck
Don’t think of slimmin down yer fullish figure
I like a girl who has a little meat
Forget about that durn Chet Atkins diet
Where you can’t have no carbon hybrid treats
Don’t ever let me catch you takin’ fin-fin
We’ll get our fish out every Friday night
Down at the VFW hall on Main street
And if you start to flirt I’m gonna fight
Please don’t try to get buttocks injections
That paralyze the muscles of yer tush
Cuz how the heck could we go out a dancin’
Or walk the protest line against King Bush
Bridge:
You may wear bra size 44 long
And you ain’t lookin’ too good in yer thong
But Darlin have I ever been wrong?
Listen to this poor dyslexic boys song
Chorus
You don’t need to get no stomach stippling
Or have no drastic bypass to get thin
You sure don’t need no mammilodeduction
I like yer D cups filled up to the brim
You don’t need to get no fancy nose job
Just cuz you got that humpy curvy nose
Where I hit you with that bottle of Jack Daniels
On that awful night a couple years ago
That crooked nose is why I’m stayin sober
Cuz every time I look you in the face
I feel every punch abd slap I dealt you
Those cruel deeds I never can erase
And now my love I see beneath the surface
I love the person you have always been
No sturgeon’s knife could make the best get better
I love the you that’s there beneath the skin
You don’t need to see no plastic sturgeon
You don’t need to get no tummy suck
Be satisfied with who you are my darlin’
With you and me and our old pickup
Well maybe we could get a new pickup
Naw we’ll stick with our old pickup truck
G
D
Today will be the first time ……that we’ll go all the way
Am
G
Our neighbors will get an eye full….we’ll be the gossip of the day
G
D
There’s one thing we can count on….as we head out on our walk
Am
G
All the people up and down the block…..will watch us like a hawk
G C
G
Chorus: So to hell with all the neighbors….I say let’s don’t give a damn
D
G
G7
They can put it where the sun don’t shine….thanks to my friend J. D. Lamb
C
G
walk to Em
They may all think that we’re too old…..but they’re to blind to see
A
D
D7
Today we’re going to change some things….and be all that we wanna be
C
G
Em
With yours in mine and mine in yours…..It’s a very special day
G
D
G
It’s the first time as we hit the streets….that we’ll go all the way
Who cares about Mr. Expert….who gives us all advice
Or the “gourmet stinky cheese guy”….who keeps his anchovies on ice
Or the “window women watcher”….who’s checkin’ out her neighbor’s car
Or all the soccer mom’s & dad’s…who want their kid to be a star
Chorus:
So hand and hand we start our walk…..with a big smile on our face
And side by side in our traveling shoes….we’ll keep a steady pace
We can’t help if after 30 years….we’re still in love today
After all this time we’ve finally learned….who cares what the neighbors say
Chorus:
G
Em C
D
G Em
Cause I…….I…..I’m gonna hold your hand…..
In Forest Hills I live next door
To Joe and Monica Elliot-Ives
We’ve been neighbors since the eighties but never really friends
Living side by side in our separate lives.
And there’s an old stone wall between their house and mine
A boundary made long ago
When this place was an orchard bearing fruit so sweet
And the stones were gathered to clear the row.
Monica leaves early for her job in the city
She doesn’t mind the drive – it’s her time to be alone
She’s got an office with a view of the boats down on the river
And scarcely a moment to call her own.
And Joe’s world is his study upstairs
Sometimes I see him there late at night
Writing stories about people I think I recognize
While in the next room Monica turns out the light.
And that old stone wall between their house and mine
Is a boundary clearly drawn
It states its case in silence as we live our daily lives
And the orchard that it bordered is long gone.
I loved that garden wall when I bought this place
With my lover back in eighty-four
We planted flowers there to celebrate our home sweet home
And we didn’t know the folks next door.
Now I live alone in this house that I love
My lover left long ago
I wake up solitary and start my day
I wouldn’t have it any other way
But I look out at that wall and I have to say
I still want to know Monica and Joe.
But that old stone wall isn’t all that stands between us
Imagined differences keep us apart
Though neighbors for so long we don’t really know each other
But it’s not too late to make a start
No, it’s never too late to start.
They all greet me with a smile
and “oh your son’s a treat.”
My kids get a little hug and quickly
sit down at their seat.
Ready for a day at school
they follow all the rules.
A school of caring, security and creativity…
Follow along and count your sheep.
The teachers smile, just order to keep.
See the outdoors from the inside,
all the facts, no wisdom tried.
How to spell, but not to write;
raise your hand, just sit tight.
Quietly you color in the lines,
filling in another ones designs.
Filling in another ones designs.
I walked into your house - at a quarter past eleven
I love to hear your stories- about the sentence you were given
Way back- when you became a famous arson (ist)
And it sets my heart on fire- each time I listen
I was baptized- brought up obedient- so I thank you every time
You give me garlic olives- calamari and Spanish wine I say oh yes-
Oh yes- it's very delicious I smile- and put a mouthful- between my lips
I think to myself- why don't you make me something nice
I don't need anchovies- with toothpicks through their eyes
Oh no- you tell me now- that's not their eyes!
Well who could tell, they're camouflaged with hairy spines
My god! how nice you're serving- very stinky cheese
Oh yes, I'll try a bite- but- where's a napkin please?
I might sneeze it out- secretly
And Jesus would understand- and forgive me
I know it's not good, to be wasteful like that
But I'm just a simple girl....why can't you see that.
I hope you don't discover- I didn't swallow it this time
I tossed it in the garbage- on top of wrappers filled with slime
Oh no-you say the napkin is English damask!
You reach over and rescue it from your trash
Thank god! I think somebody's knocking at your door
You drop my crumpled napkin and its contents to the floor
Oh yes! oh yes! My saviors come!
But I can tell you weren't expecting this person....
I think I'll leave
now, or maybe I'll stay-this could be fun
I’m gonna call my mom today
And turn some dirt
Put my clothes away
Plan a happening
Some week next June
Sit down at the piano
Write a relevant tune
You really suggest
If we live long enough
We’d get together
Without making too much fuss
But I know some things you don’t
Now my fantasies
Begin with a funeral
I’m stylishly
Sad
I don’t resemble this nervous girl
But I know some things you don’t
So I won’t
Forget pain and its causes
I won’t forget pain
And it’s causes
I dreamed I covered your whole hand
With kisses
I’m gonna call my mom today
And turn some dirt
Put my clothes away
Oh My name is Harrietta; I live here with my Dan
Every day they saunter by; that woman and her man
I’ve watched them pass my porch so many times I think I know
Them better than I know the man who also sees them go.
They pass by every evening just past suppertime
Before the streetlights have come on and the day is left behind
She reaches out to take his hand just as they reach our drive
And he holds on until they reach the hedgerow on this side
I think they think that we might keep a dark secret inside
She glances back to check the path, they hurry up their stride
They never look us in the eye. They never stop to chat
But I wish my love and I sometime could walk along like that.
They live around the corner, two blocks down and on the right
I’ve heard they have no children, and their carpets all are white
They say that he’s a factory man and she just stays at home
She never goes out shopping, or anywhere alone.
I think they think that we might have a Doberman inside
She glances back to check the path, they hurry up their stride.
They never look us in the eye, they never stop to chat
But I wish my love and I sometime could walk along like that.
I don’t know much about them but I’ve heard the Johnson’s do
I’ve never heard a single thing against them, it is true.
And I’m not much for gossip; I don’t know why you asked me
But I do not think they’re married, at least that’s how it looks to me.
Now it’s not for me to be the judge or try to make a point
But it seems to me their noses are a little out of joint
‘Cuz they never look us in the eye and they never stop to chat.
Still I wish my love and I could sometime walk along like that.
Oh my name is Harrietta; I live here with my Dan
Everyday they saunter by; that woman and her man
I’ve watched them pass my porch so many times I think I know them
Better than I know my man who also sees them go.
Looking down on him from way up here
What's he think when he looks into the mirror
Lead around like a dog on a leash
When they eat out, she orders him quiche
What's that sound I hear? What's that sound I hear?
Should never volunteer, to a puppeteer
What's that sound I hear?
Wasn't he that heartbreak Romeo
Did overtime under the mistletoe
Being with her changed all that
Now he's just a pussycat
What's that sound I hear? What's that sound I hear?
I'm not bein' insincere, that dude's actin' kinda queer
What's that sound I hear?
My wife don't make me hold her hand
And let's me know that I'm her man
I'm so glad she understands me
She graced with "hands free" ESP
What's that sound I hear? What's that sound I hear?
She holds me in her grip, but I'm the one holdin' the whip
What's that sound I hear? What's that sound I hear?
Don't think that your immune, you'll be reachin' for this tune
Every time you hear. . .
Sit down; let’s put your leash on Leonardo.
It's time we headed down to the park.
Things have changed a lot around here my Amigo
I'd like to make it back before dark.
It's been fifteen years since I retired
As Principle of Forest Hills High
We still have time left Leonardo
Time to talk before I die
Our neighbors here, the Dalton's are Home Schoolers
Something of which I strongly disagree
They can teach them writing, math and science
But not respect for diversity.
Yeah! I'm checking out those two good looking joggers.
I especially like the one whose shorts are red.
Yes! I know I'm 85 now Leonardo
I may be old, but I'm not dead!
And that older couple that walks here every evening
I think it's great that they're still holding hands
He looks at her the way I looked at Kathyrn
You're just a dog, how could you understand.
I miss Kathyrn a lot now Leonardo
Altough I told you time and time again
I know it has to hurt my short Amigo
But for 50 years she was my best friend.
Come on now, lets head back Leonardo
I'm getting tired and these kids make so much din
We'll try again tomorrow Leonardo
We'll try this again my little friend.
(INTERNAL SALES MONOLOGUE)
----------------------------
I’ve got something |
Everybody needs |
Can’t get from the store | 2x
Can’t get from TV |
----------------------------
I’ve got something
Everybody needs
The only place to get it
Is from meeeeeeee
(INTERNAL SELF-MOTIVATION MONOLOGUE)
----------------------------
I’m something |
Shiny bright and clean |
Lucky as a nickel | 2x
In a slot machine |
----------------------------
I’m something
Nobody every seen
I’m gonna be the best ever
Meeeeeeeee
-----------------------------
All these people
In my territory
Looking out their windows
Staring at me
They don’t trust the smile
That’s always on my face
They don’t even want to know
What’s in my case
Hey come on there people
I’m your traveling <sales-man>!
--> CHORUS
You can be assured
These-are first qu-al-ity
Union made in the USA
By W.G. Guthrie (and his friends)
There’s imitations in the mall
But these are gen-u-ine
I use my elf, I gotta whole closet of em
Back at mine
--> CHORUS
Look at that couple
Holdin’ hands and such
Happy lovin’ couples
Now there’s an easy touch
There goes a dog-talkin’ man
A smoking guy walkin a twire
Look out lady
Or you gonna go
Set this street on fire
I get to see it all
Going door to door
You know that I have just got to come down
To this hood some more
Cause
It was a dreary Friday morning
I'd just finished moppin' the floors
Father was writing the Sunday Sermon
When I heard a confident knock on the door
Oh Holy Mother
Life has been such a bore
I think I'll take my chances and
Go 'round and answer that door
With a hand on my Rosary
And a knockin' in my knees
Peeked through the rectory window
And what do you think I see
Oh Sweet Madonna
Have mercy on me
Its my otherworldly door-to-door salesman
Staring back at me
This guy is my supplier
Of things that Father doesn't like
He brings me my salvation
In a package shiny and bright
Oh Blessed Mary
Will you help me
I need those "wash away your sins" towlettes
that I give out to everybody
I give em to the Pyro
To Leonardo and Crazy Jim
To the guy with the loud car
And the guy who just can't win
I give em to the threesome
And the guy with the whip
To the guy who talks about food sex
And the girl who just might flip
Cuz I'm the Forrest Hills
Save your sins
Blues Singin'
Neighborhood
Woman
I live here and you live there
Consecutive addresses we share
But we might as well be anywhere
as far as we¹re concerned
And ain¹t it strange that we finally meet
after all this time living 'cross the street
I¹m relieved that I¹m looking halfway neat
now our acquaintance has occured
But you¹re still wearing last night¹s dress
Your lipstick¹s smeared, your hair¹s a mess
What¹s on your mind - now let me guess
if I can get that far
There¹s something strong you need to verbalize
with those little red rings all around your eyes
and those three little words much to my surprise
are ³Dude - where¹s your car?²
(You wanna know?)
Baby, this town¹s full of mysteries
There¹s a milkman nobody ever sees
but every single one of his deliveries
has the ladies waiting by the door
And what happened to the widow on that fateful night
when little Davy gave her such a terrible fright
and ever since then the place is shut up tight
and nobody knows what for
And there¹s a hip cat chain smoking Lucky Strikes
and he walks all day and he walks all night
and the homeschooled kids are always right
when you ask them who they are
The falling splendor of the burning leaves
just can¹t hide the forest for the trees
and the only thing you think to ask of me
is ³Dude - where¹s your car?²
And the Garbage Man
he has got The Plan
He¹s pulling all the strings
connecting everything
(And you still wanna know?)
I had a late-night epiphany
while driving home doing ninety-three
when a deer stepped out in front of me
and I barely stopped in time
So I sat all night behind the wheel
in the middle of the road in my automobile
but I¹m copping somebody else¹s feel
Œcause I am bored with mine
For all you know I parked in back
or traded my ride for a load of crack
or haven¹t you noticed those tire tracks
heading for your swimming pool?
After all these years unsuccessfully
I¹ve been trying to get you to notice me
and now you see so obviously
that Dudette Dudette Dudette Dudette - I¹m your fool!
Stock-still, rooted, paralyzed
staring into each other¹s eyes
I can feel the fire materialize
and the flames begin to roar
Then all in a moment, heat turned to frost
and our chance for paradise was lost
You turned on your heel and marched across
the lawn and slammed your door
My burning love has turned to chills
as the sun goes down on Forest Hills
An empty bitter feeling fills
the hollow of my heart
I walk the streets in a dismal haze
My auto in its watery grave
and the only thing I have left to say
is ³Hey! Keep my car!²
Pulling in the driveway
Home late again
The last time I saw daylight
I can’t remember when
Walking in the front door
In my eyes
There stood my son
Going out to have some fun
Getting ready to run
And I almost missed him
He was heading downtown
Like many times before
But this occasion was different
Something new in store
‘Cause standing on the front porch
In my eyes
Was a young man with great taste
Not a hair out of place
He even washed up his face
I didn’t recognize him
He said it’s really no big deal
I’m just gonna catch a show
Probably grab a bite before
I really have to go
You see I’ve got to make a stop
And I don’t want to be late
I have to pick up Sarah Jane
‘Cause Dad she is my date
Going out for the first time
He tried to play it cool
But I could tell he was nervous
That’s typically the rule
As I watched him leaving
In my eyes
I had words that I could say
But they were dipped in clay
Because it isn’t quite my way
I just said have a nice time
It’s hard to explain it
I felt nervous too
I know that’s kind of silly
But nonetheless it’s true
As I look at myself
In my eyes
My silence truly burned
But this is what I’ve earned
Because it is the way I learned
When I was just like him
All I really had to say
Is here’s your magic start
Perhaps she’ll feel a love for you
She may just break your heart
Accept it any way it comes
The pleasure and the pain
For they both help you to become
The man who will remain
It sometimes happens this way
A father and a son
Many things left unsaid
Others left undone
Still my boy is right here
In my eyes
I wonder who he’ll be
‘Cause it’s not so plain to see
Will he be just like me
And I almost missed him
I think I know how you’re feeling
By the tears I saw in your eyes
And I think I might know the reason
‘Cause we’ve both been through the same trial
Sometimes a man might get lucky
While wandering through this long life
(In this garden here by the tide)
And he finds a pretty good woman
And she lets him make her his wife
Don’t let love ever shame you
Don’t keep it hidden inside
Let it shine on brightly each moment
Wear your feelings with pride
For some reason some call it weakness
If a man might break down and cry
But it’s really the strongest among us
Who never covers his eyes
Don’t let love ever shame you
Don’t keep it hidden inside
Let it shine on brightly each moment
Wear your feelings with pride
Wear your feelings with pride
Third-hand capo with 4,5,6 strings pressed down, fourth fret
We’ve been married about three years C D G
We’ve shared some laughs C D
We’ve shared some tears G
It’s hard to put how I feel into words C D G Em
But I’ll try D
Chorus
You’re everything I want G
You’re everything I need C
The blood in my veins G
The air that I breathe D
You’re always on my mind C
Believe this to be true D
It would kill me not to be with you C D G C G
I know I’m not your first Em G
And I don’t believe that curse Em G
It’s just coincidence your husbands all ended up in a hearse Em C D
In the beginning was Marcello
He was quite a nice fellow
So sad and strange how he suffocated on his own pillow
And how about Bill
He came down deathly ill
Right after you met with the lawyer and went over his will
I remember Kent
Boy, he was a handsome gent
One day he just disappeared no one knows where he went
Pre-Chorus
I don’t mean to be paranoid C D G
I don’t want to sound suspicious C D G
But soon after you married my friend Lloyd Em
He was at the bottom of the lake sleepin w/ the fishes C D
Chorus
Then there was Jake
I really loved the food at his wake
He was strangled by a boa constrictor
Who could have guessed that would happen when you bought him that pet snake
And good old Jack
He died of a massive heart attack
When he got the mail and opened up that letter filled with anthrax
Pre-chorus There was your little fling with Cheryl
People talked but hey I thought it was cool
She died singing Christmas carols
Poisoned egg nog on a cold yule
Chorus
Pre-chorus Now with us it will be different
We’ll have a long happy married life
Let me help you honey with the dinner
Hey, what are you doing with that knife . . .
I made a movie baby
Plays in my head all the time
You know I’m the hero
But your love saves me every time
And we make love
Right there on the silver screen
If only I could really kiss you
My movie would be more than a dream
You got to see this movie…
And the story goes…
Well you know I’m the leading man
I’ve got action and adventure
And I love you like no one can
Every word I say is cool
And every hurt is healed soon
After I save the world
We’ll fly off to the moon
You got to see this movie…
(bridge)
Looking for a leading lady
You are every woman I see on the screen
Try to piece you together
Like some loving Frankenstein scene
Some hot model curves
And princess grace
Romantic French words
And a movie star’s face
Want to be in my movie…?
The credits roll and the truth be told
I’ve never done anything great
I never have the nerve to act
I’m always a bit too late
Just a sad, sad man
With my fantasies of love
Living only in my mind
The movie is all I ever think of
v.1 Over in this corner wearing the blue hospital gown
is the man I'll introduce to you as the hero of our town
and on the right
wearing the baggy black trunks
bad medicine and all the other punks
chorus: And I'm here in your corner
with the Band-Aids and the beer
I'm here in your corner,
I'm not going any where
v.2 Now entering the ring with the gospel guitar
is the woman I've become on my journey thus far.
The one who said "Ok, go buy that great big ass TV
the one here watching trading spaces when...
"For heaven sakes there's hockey"
bridge... tender image isn't it? life as wrestling , you and me a tag team.
but all the really sweet analogies were already taken....
so we'll mourn each others wounds, dry each others tears, hold sacred every scar we endure through out the years
and I'll be there in the corner with the Band-Aids and the beer, I'll be there in the corner I'm not going anywhere,
and I believe, you'll be in mine.
Madge have you noticed what the neighbor boy is driving
You can hear him 4 blocks away
Something in his tailpipe
isn't working quite right
but his radio drowns it out on most days
That boy will be dead before he's 30
If he manages to live that far
what is his mother thinking?
does she think he's drinking
coca cola in that car
This man here takes his cigarettes walking
that man there won't hold his wife's hand
and no matter how early I get up in the morning
madge, I have never seen our dairy man
BRIDGE
That man there, he isn't her husband
she isn't his wife
but the way he looks at her
no one's ever looked at me, madge,
in my whole life.
Madge I have been leaning on this fencepost
for 19 or 20 years
I'm starting to wonder what might happen
if I didnt' pretend that you are here.
Old Miss Hagley had a house four doors down the street
I was halfway through my teens in 1968
Halloween was round the bend, her place was such a fright
Hers was Forest Hills haunted house and this was Devil’s Night
Got a paper bag, the kind my mom put lunches in
Went out to the alley, tiny shovel in my hand
Picked up what some dog had dropped and scooped it in the sack
Waited til the sun went down for planning my attack
Snuck up to her doorway with that payload in my hand
Rang the bell and struck a match to light the contraband
Ran like hell, I didn’t stop til I had gone four blocks
A man was talking to his dog and then I saw three cops
I kept on moving, took a different route back to my yard
Got back to my alley, I’d been running, breathing hard
Just beyond the cherry tree I slipped on soggy leaves
Landed on my keyster in a pile of gushy squeeze
My nose confirmed the substance was of canine origin
And I had learned what goes around will come around again
I thought a bag of burning turds would give old Hags a fright
I shoulda skipped the whole dang/darn/damn thing that fateful Devil’s night
optional alternate ending:
I never said I was sorry
I kinda liked her daughter
The moon was halfway showing
The milkman he was hiding
I became a folk musician
I met Charley Brodsky
And Dick and John and Cosy
And even Sloan Wainwright
If this rock opera goes to Broadway
Or even down to Lansing
I will edit out this last part
I will do what writers do, I will re-write
And all because my life would change
One chilly Devil’s Night
Sixty-Three Miles Per Hour in the Thirty Zone
By Sloan Wainwright
sixty-three miles per hour in the thirty zone
i was rushing home to you
thinking about our empty nest....maybe fine red wine
making love to you
but when i walked through the door and saw her sitiing there
she was feeding the apple to you
now, i don't want to sit
i don't want to smile
i want to shout out loud
who do think you are
what do you think you're doing
how could you play me for the fool
you mentioned her name to me in passing before
i recognize her from the grocery
i was wondering about the extra charges on our amex bill
whoever you been wining and dining it aint been me
now, i don't want to sit
i don't want to smile
i want to shout out loud
who do you think you are
what do you think you're doing
how could you play me for the fool
sixty-three miles per hour in the thirty zone
i was rushing home to you
My middle name is Anthony – A-N-T-H-O-N-Y
But the kids ‘round here, they call me
Beautiful Garbage Guy
My last name I forgot – don’t ask me why
But everything I’ve got is
Right here in this hefty bag of mine
(chorus)
And if you look inside you’ll see I own
Everything a man needs to make his home
Oh beautiful garbage, beautiful garbage
Beautiful Garbage Guy
My legal name is Johnny – J-O-H-N-N-Y
But the feds ‘round here, they call me
A master spy
My family has forgotten me – they think I died
All that I have left is
Right here in this hefty bag of mine
And if you look inside you’ll see I own
Everything a man needs to make his home
Oh beautiful garbage, beautiful garbage
Beautiful Garbage Guy
My ex-wife’s name is Di – Princess D-I
She took the kids and left me
For some other life
That’s when I took the name Garbage Guy – G-U-Y
That’s when I started working
For the FBI
Yeah, the kids ‘round here, they love my beautiful things – T-H-ings
Bottle caps and pop can tabs
Make necklaces and rings
When I lighten up my load, I’m feeling fine – feeling fine
‘Cause I feel my silver lining
Right here in this hefty bag of mine
The sign says Forest Hills - it was recently defaced
I guess there was a forest here - before they built this place With these
cookie-cutter homes - with the lawns all manicured All the cars are waxed
and polished - as are all the kitchen floors
It’s a wholesome kind of place - that’s what they’d have you believe There’s
a flag at every house - and a few overachieve We have a child prodigy - and
a few kids are athletic But the people in this subdivision - for the most
part are pathetic
Just take that fellow Jim - with that weasel of a dog
He keeps trying to teach it words - as if someday it’ll talk And Bryan, across
the street - lives alone and doesn’t work People talk about him - and it’s
always with a smirk
Now I know for a fact - a certain so & so reads porn
A package sent to him once - was delivered to my door
I didn’t hand it over - no, I kept it to myself
If we should ever have a problem - it’s up there on the shelf
No one’s ever seen the milkman, Bill - except one time Kathryn did She said
she was sworn to secrecy - I must never mention it One of the other people
- that Kathryn must’ve told
Was overheard telling someone - Bill could be a centerfold
And Jack, I’ve known a long time - most of my adult life
I don’t mind hanging out with him - if he brings along his wife He’s got
charm & he’s got money - but he’s still so insecure He doesn’t want her
looking pretty - or to wear skirts anymore
The school we have here couldn’t teach a monkey how to climb And Evie’s neighbor
maintains - that to homeschool is a crime I think she’s a moron - I told
Evie on the phone Tell her it’s none of her G-ddamned business - in the gentlest
of tones
And look who’s back to visit - now he wears designer clothes With his California tan - and his secret no one knows
I was with him when a small prank - put someone’s house on fire
Years ago on devil’s night - it turned us into liars
And KT burned some leaves - and that’s against the law
The cop who showed up first said they had gotten 20 calls
They wrote her a citation - but it just went up in smoke
They put her in a squad car - it made for 20 happy folks
And each 4th of July - it’s the same chintzy parade
Waving from a flatbed - while a band behind them plays
All of our local sponsors - and all the block captains too Party hats & streamers - all red, white, & blue
But just below the varnish - and under the veneer
Behind the smiling faces - and all of the good cheer
You’ve got your petty jealousies - and all your different feuds Gossip and suspicions & not so secret rendezvous
The letter to the editor - I read in last week’s paper
Was written by that knucklehead - who used to be my neighbor Talk about intolerance
- those people he calls heathens ‘Cause they don’t believe the same things
- that this knucklehead believes in
People read the Times - and they watch the tv news
They receive it like the Gospel - they’ve all fallen for the ruse
They all have their opinions - but none of them have clues There’s a patriotic silence - there are no dissenting views
The sign says “Forest Hills - a wholesome kind of place”
I’m not saying by whom - but it’s been recently defaced
So let the credits roll - and you can use my song
My guess is that for Hollywood - it’s a few seconds too long
